I was recently approached by a woman with a ragged-ass medium popcorn bag demanding a refund for her popcorn that she allegedly dropped during her movie (after our concession stand had closed). Now, our official policy is "Too damn bad, you just learned an expensive lesson: don't let your two-year-old hold the popcorn." Depending on our mood and the politeness of the customer, we may refill it... but we certainly are not obligated to do so.
Especially when said bag is sporting a fashionable footprint and grease on all sides, clearly having been dug out from the bottom of a trash can.
After some questioning, I learn that she came out to the concession stand during her movie and asked for a new popcorn, but was refused by my floor staff and told she needed to bring her half-empty bag out. But, what are the chances?! She dropped it right on a puddle of spit. First of all, it would obviously have to be your spit, and what the hell are you doing spitting on the floor inside? So she didn't want to pick it up because "that's gross." Also, she was in a hurry and didn't want to miss her movie.
I carefully explained to her our policy, and that my floor staff was correct in refusing her a new bag. I went on to say that we keep track of what we sell by the number of bags and cups we have (NEWSFLASH: a huge percentage of the general population does not understand the word "inventory"), and that issuing her a new bag would have left her register short. The woman then continued to demand a refund, but after explaining that all the money was cashed out for the day, this turned into requiring a voucher for next time.
Honey, this ain't the welfare office.
When she finally understood that I wasn't going to give her anything, she asked to speak to someone else, because "I work in customer service and this should be handled differently." Well, that's your opinion, here's my GM's card.
After speaking to my floor staff, I learned that
1. She remembered serving the bitch, and she only purchased a candy
2. She did indeed come out during the movie, and even had the same story about the spit, but claimed to have worked in a hospital so she knew about germs
3. She argued with my staff for a full ten minutes
4. After being given gloves and a box (I love that floor staff) and being told she needed to return right away with the bag in hand, she didn't show until after the movie with that bag that obviously wasn't hers
5. She claimed to have already spoken to a manager and been promised another free popcorn and free nachos
My floor staff flat-out said "No, she did not tell you that. You can go talk to her right now, she's at the front desk."
Like I said, I love that girl.
A few things to address here:
-Who doesn't know about germs?
-Customer service at a hospital? The only desk at a hospital is called "Billing," and they are definitely not concerned with customer satisfaction. Let me count the ways your are full of shit.
-Way to lie about having already spoken to me. If somehow we hadn't caught on to your scam yet, we're definitely up to speed now.
Epilogue: She never called my GM.
Movies!
Paul Blart: Mall Cop- Movie Fail
I thought even Kevin James had more self-respect than this. Don't be deceived by the ads. Yes, it is still popular; it's also just terrible. If you're that interested in the story line, wait for Seth Rogen's "Observe and Report." I can guarantee you it will be approximately one million times better.
Coraline 3D: Worth It (with a side of "Don't Ever Take a Small Child to See This")
It's creepy. It's trippy. It's an excellent movie. Your child will have nightmares.
Friday the 13th: Time-Killer
Admittedly, it was much better than any Jason movie in years. There's plenty of nudity and gore to go around, but the last 4 seconds are the least plausible thing I've ever seen. Terrible sequel, anyone?
The International: Time-Killer
I was entertained until the end, but that's about all. It was anticlimactic and there's pretty much negative resolution- meant to give it a more realistic feel, but this isn't a terribly believable story in the first place. It might have been better received a few years ago, when international banks weren't dropping like flies.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Friday, February 6, 2009
The Complex Formula
Favorite customers of 2009 to date:
An older black couple approached the customer service desk and slammed their tickets for "Notorious" on the counter with disgust. With his nose turned upward, the gentleman said, "We just have NO interest in seeing any movie with the N-word."
What did you expect? It's the story of a crack dealer-turned-rapper from Brooklyn in the 1990s.
Know what you're getting into, folks. If you're offended by liberal commentary, don't watch a Michael Moore documentary. If you're uncomfortable with weed, don't watch "Pineapple Express." If you're upset by the combination of bad hair and awful jokes, don't see anything with Rob Schneider. It's not rocket science.
Marley & Me: Time Killer
Owen Wilson and Jennifer Anniston have zero chemistry, but the story is heartwarming, etc.
Gran Torino: Worth It
Clint Eastwood is quite the ornery old (racist) bastard in this film- actually, most of the movie is him grunting in disapproval. His character definitely has a little Dirty Harry thrown in, but with a little more emotional development.
Notorious: Worth It
This film made Tupac look damn crazy, but aside from that... It did a great job of telling Biggie's story. Go see it- you might learn a thing or two.
Taken: Worth It
Liam Neeson kicks serious ass. He's like James Bond meets Batman. The story was pretty decent too... This is a solid action film.
He's Just Not That Into You: Don't Encourage Them
This movie was, in every way, written to sound the cute
alarm in every straight girl's brain. Don't be fooled- after trying to make a decent point of how love DOESN'T happen for two and a half hours, almost all the characters got their implausible happy ending. Barf.
Also, Greg Behrendt. Barf.
An older black couple approached the customer service desk and slammed their tickets for "Notorious" on the counter with disgust. With his nose turned upward, the gentleman said, "We just have NO interest in seeing any movie with the N-word."
What did you expect? It's the story of a crack dealer-turned-rapper from Brooklyn in the 1990s.
Know what you're getting into, folks. If you're offended by liberal commentary, don't watch a Michael Moore documentary. If you're uncomfortable with weed, don't watch "Pineapple Express." If you're upset by the combination of bad hair and awful jokes, don't see anything with Rob Schneider. It's not rocket science.
Marley & Me: Time Killer
Owen Wilson and Jennifer Anniston have zero chemistry, but the story is heartwarming, etc.
Gran Torino: Worth It
Clint Eastwood is quite the ornery old (racist) bastard in this film- actually, most of the movie is him grunting in disapproval. His character definitely has a little Dirty Harry thrown in, but with a little more emotional development.
Notorious: Worth It
This film made Tupac look damn crazy, but aside from that... It did a great job of telling Biggie's story. Go see it- you might learn a thing or two.
Taken: Worth It
Liam Neeson kicks serious ass. He's like James Bond meets Batman. The story was pretty decent too... This is a solid action film.
He's Just Not That Into You: Don't Encourage Them
This movie was, in every way, written to sound the cute
alarm in every straight girl's brain. Don't be fooled- after trying to make a decent point of how love DOESN'T happen for two and a half hours, almost all the characters got their implausible happy ending. Barf.Also, Greg Behrendt. Barf.
Monday, January 19, 2009
On safe-guarding your identity and possessions
I would like to take this opportunity to advise one and all to carry their ID on their person at all times.
I am consistently astounded by the percentage of customers who, when asked to present an ID, claim to have left it in the car or at home. Now sure, some of them just aren't old enough to get into the "R" rated movie and are trying to play it cool, but at least some of these people have to be telling the truth.
In the car? Really? In a shopping center that sees at least three break-ins on any given weekend? WHY would you leave anything but trash (or something religious to deter theft*) in the car?
Also on that note, do NOT see a movie in the ghetto and leave your tricked-out Escalade with rims and a state-of-the-art stereo unattended in the parking lot for any amount of time after dark. You are asking for trouble. Don't be surprised when, upon finding all your shit stolen, you run panicking back into the theater and no one has any sympathy for you. You're wasting your time anyway- All we can do is call the police, and guess what? They won't come. They will tell you to take your happy ass downtown and fill out a report yourself. All units in your zip code are too busy chasing gas station robbers through back yards with aid from the ghetto bird (er, for those of you from the burbs, the police helicopter).
If you decide to take your chances because the ghetto theater is closer or has the showtime you want, please guard your belongings carefully. Do not set your purse down in the stall with you in the bathroom; hang it on the door. Clutch your tickets and/or 3D glasses tightly. Try to look like you are on welfare if possible. Who knows? It could just save your MP3 player.
*While crosses, crescents, and the like help, I suggest as many holy books as possible left in plain view. Preferably from different religions. Clearly anyone studying Christianity, Islam, Buddhism, and the Tao is enlightened and likely has the Supernatural on their side.
Seven Pounds: Worth It
Will Smith delivers a great performance, as usual. Bring your Kleenex.
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button: FTW
I'm not exactly a Brad Pitt fan, but he actually did an excellent job here. This film walks you from the end of WWI through Hurricane Katrina, introducing you to memorable characters along the way. The cinematography was outstanding and the story was original. And unlike Australia, it doesn't feel like it's three hours long.
Doubt: Worth It
This film is all conflict, no resolution. Because of that, it leaves you uncertain of how you feel about it when it ends. It will leave you thinking it over for days, and Oscar-worthy performances by Meryl Streep and Philip Seymour Hoffman (and at least an acknowledging nod to Amy Adams) seal the deal. Don't miss this one.
My Bloody Valentine 3D: Don't Encourage Them
It was interesting to watch a regular movie in 3D, but not enough to justify sitting through this film. The story had a few holes... making it evident that its primary objective was two hours of peoples' rib cages getting hacked open or heads bashed in with a pickax in 3D. Ye of the squeamish, be warned. Surely you will vomit.
I am consistently astounded by the percentage of customers who, when asked to present an ID, claim to have left it in the car or at home. Now sure, some of them just aren't old enough to get into the "R" rated movie and are trying to play it cool, but at least some of these people have to be telling the truth.
In the car? Really? In a shopping center that sees at least three break-ins on any given weekend? WHY would you leave anything but trash (or something religious to deter theft*) in the car?
Also on that note, do NOT see a movie in the ghetto and leave your tricked-out Escalade with rims and a state-of-the-art stereo unattended in the parking lot for any amount of time after dark. You are asking for trouble. Don't be surprised when, upon finding all your shit stolen, you run panicking back into the theater and no one has any sympathy for you. You're wasting your time anyway- All we can do is call the police, and guess what? They won't come. They will tell you to take your happy ass downtown and fill out a report yourself. All units in your zip code are too busy chasing gas station robbers through back yards with aid from the ghetto bird (er, for those of you from the burbs, the police helicopter).
If you decide to take your chances because the ghetto theater is closer or has the showtime you want, please guard your belongings carefully. Do not set your purse down in the stall with you in the bathroom; hang it on the door. Clutch your tickets and/or 3D glasses tightly. Try to look like you are on welfare if possible. Who knows? It could just save your MP3 player.
*While crosses, crescents, and the like help, I suggest as many holy books as possible left in plain view. Preferably from different religions. Clearly anyone studying Christianity, Islam, Buddhism, and the Tao is enlightened and likely has the Supernatural on their side.
Seven Pounds: Worth It
Will Smith delivers a great performance, as usual. Bring your Kleenex.
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button: FTW
I'm not exactly a Brad Pitt fan, but he actually did an excellent job here. This film walks you from the end of WWI through Hurricane Katrina, introducing you to memorable characters along the way. The cinematography was outstanding and the story was original. And unlike Australia, it doesn't feel like it's three hours long.
Doubt: Worth It
This film is all conflict, no resolution. Because of that, it leaves you uncertain of how you feel about it when it ends. It will leave you thinking it over for days, and Oscar-worthy performances by Meryl Streep and Philip Seymour Hoffman (and at least an acknowledging nod to Amy Adams) seal the deal. Don't miss this one.
My Bloody Valentine 3D: Don't Encourage Them
It was interesting to watch a regular movie in 3D, but not enough to justify sitting through this film. The story had a few holes... making it evident that its primary objective was two hours of peoples' rib cages getting hacked open or heads bashed in with a pickax in 3D. Ye of the squeamish, be warned. Surely you will vomit.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
"Well, thank-you for making this a VERY merry Christmas."
If you make unreasonable demands and the customer service representative politely explains why your request isn't possible, please do not blame said employee for the failure of your holiday. Clearly you were already hagrid as you approached the desk, no doubt looking for even a moment of solace from your brat-ass kids and your nagging in-laws. You're not fooling anyone.
Twilight: Time Killer
If you like the book, go for it. If you appreciate a sappy love story with emo characters, go for it. If you're a boy, don't bother. Edward will make you feel angry inside. Avoid taking your lady friend on a date to see it at all costs- she will compare you to him forever after, and you don't have super-human strength or sparkly skin.
Slumdog Millionaire: Worth It
This film had a unique way of telling a love story, as well as examining Indian society. Also, they found someone other than Kumar to play the lead. Success!
The Day the Earth Stood Still: Time Killer
There were some definite changes to the plot since the 1951 version, where the extra-terrestrial destruction of man was considered necessary for the safety of other galaxies... apparently after two world wars, the aliens had had enough. Now, the human race must be exterminated to preserve the earth's climate and its creatures... conveniently fitting into the genre of end-of-the-world thrillers related to global warming etc. created by "The Day After Tomorrow."
Side note: This was THE perfect role for Keanu Reeves. No acting involved.
Milk: FTW
Psychology students are often familiar with the details of Harvey Milk's death, as the famous "Twinkie Defense" cited by Dan White's defense attorneys is commonly given as an example of self-justification (the act of shifting blame for one's own actions to an outside source). But if you don't already know the story of Harvey Milk, you may not be getting exactly what you expect... but the absence of a dramatic public assassination does not render the story unworthy of being told. If you, unlike myself, possess a heart, you will likely shed tears.
The film promised to be moving, and the star-studded cast certainly achieved that end. Go get inspired, you.
Bolt (3D): Time Killer
If you have to take a child, you probably won't hate it. Actually the animated dog is pretty damn cute, but it's no classic (although I'm a sucker for 3D movies).
The Spirit: Movie Fail
The best thing about this movie? Frank Miller directed it. The worst thing about this movie? Frank Miller wrote it. Er, wrote the adaptation for the screen from Will Eisner's comic. Aside from the character names and the mask, you can barely tell the two are related. The cinematography was neat, but the plot was horrific. I can't say I'm surprised... Samuel L. does like to make a damn fool of himself. I guess this was a step up, however, as he was accompanied by Scarlett Johansson rather than snakes or Christina Ricci.
My favorite line? "You're dead like Star Trek." Oh wait, it seems they couldn't even get that one right- Star Trek is coming out with a forecasted blockbuster in 2009.
Twilight: Time Killer
If you like the book, go for it. If you appreciate a sappy love story with emo characters, go for it. If you're a boy, don't bother. Edward will make you feel angry inside. Avoid taking your lady friend on a date to see it at all costs- she will compare you to him forever after, and you don't have super-human strength or sparkly skin.
Slumdog Millionaire: Worth It
This film had a unique way of telling a love story, as well as examining Indian society. Also, they found someone other than Kumar to play the lead. Success!
The Day the Earth Stood Still: Time Killer
There were some definite changes to the plot since the 1951 version, where the extra-terrestrial destruction of man was considered necessary for the safety of other galaxies... apparently after two world wars, the aliens had had enough. Now, the human race must be exterminated to preserve the earth's climate and its creatures... conveniently fitting into the genre of end-of-the-world thrillers related to global warming etc. created by "The Day After Tomorrow."
Side note: This was THE perfect role for Keanu Reeves. No acting involved.
Milk: FTW
Psychology students are often familiar with the details of Harvey Milk's death, as the famous "Twinkie Defense" cited by Dan White's defense attorneys is commonly given as an example of self-justification (the act of shifting blame for one's own actions to an outside source). But if you don't already know the story of Harvey Milk, you may not be getting exactly what you expect... but the absence of a dramatic public assassination does not render the story unworthy of being told. If you, unlike myself, possess a heart, you will likely shed tears.
The film promised to be moving, and the star-studded cast certainly achieved that end. Go get inspired, you.
Bolt (3D): Time Killer
If you have to take a child, you probably won't hate it. Actually the animated dog is pretty damn cute, but it's no classic (although I'm a sucker for 3D movies).
The Spirit: Movie Fail
The best thing about this movie? Frank Miller directed it. The worst thing about this movie? Frank Miller wrote it. Er, wrote the adaptation for the screen from Will Eisner's comic. Aside from the character names and the mask, you can barely tell the two are related. The cinematography was neat, but the plot was horrific. I can't say I'm surprised... Samuel L. does like to make a damn fool of himself. I guess this was a step up, however, as he was accompanied by Scarlett Johansson rather than snakes or Christina Ricci.
My favorite line? "You're dead like Star Trek." Oh wait, it seems they couldn't even get that one right- Star Trek is coming out with a forecasted blockbuster in 2009.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Oh, there's no place like work for the holidays
Sorry about the absence. I was sick, and then I was too busy to boot up my hoopti-ass laptop. It... takes awhile to do anything on this scraper.
If you, along with the rest of middle-class America, should decide to attend a movie on a holiday because you just CAN'T take any more of your family, please be so kind as to refrain from reminding the theater employees that they are working instead of being annoyed by their loved ones at home. Trust me, we haven't forgotten... And your pity is of little comfort. Unless it comes with pie.
No joke. One customer brought in a slice of pumpkin pie for the Customer Service manager. Best. Patron. Ever.
Looooooooong list of movies:
Max Payne: Don't Encourage Them
I was sorely disappointed in this one. The preview looked excellent, portraying the film as a story of spiritual war as the righteous dead avenged themselves. Turns out they were just hallucinations and a waste of my time.
Quantum of Solace: FTW
There has been some debate among critics as to the worth of this film compared to the rest of the franchise. True, he did not utter the signature "Bond. James Bond." line at any point during the movie, but I love the direction Daniel Craig is taking this character. Watch out, Connery. It's a whole new Bond.
Role Models: Worth It
Hilarious. Even better with a crazy man sitting down the row from you laughing at inappropriate times and speaking the obvious. I want to pay that guy to follow me around and narrate my life. Anyway... I'm not a huge Sean William Scott fan, but I can never say no to Jane Lynch. If you have ever worked with disturbed children, this film is for you.
Madagascar 2: Escape to Africa- Worth It
Much better than the original. It's packed full of jokes that will fly straight over the heads of whatever children you dragged along so you wouldn't look like the loser that still loves kids' movies well into adulthood, but don't worry. Those who have seen this movie will not be judging you. Oh, but. Everyone else will.
Four Christmases: Time Killer
Did you think the previews looked funny? That's because they did. Too bad the rest of the movie wasn't. It turned into a movie about relationships... So I went to see a comedy and got duped into a drama. There is nothing I hate more than being misled by the advertisements. Prime example? The Village. That shit pissed me off. It's a good psychological movie, but they advertised it as a horror. No lies. The studio sent us fake strips of blood to put on all the doors at our theater. So naturally I hated that movie for about the first two years following its release. The same applies to you, Four Christmases. The public is shelling out a ridiculous amount of money to see your sorry film, so they should at least know what they're paying for. Thumbs down.
Australia: Worth It
I was actually shocked when I found out Baz Luhrman was doing an epic. It seemed a bit out of character for him. But honestly, if I had not been told who directed the film prior to viewing it, I would have know by the time I left. There are little quirks and oddities throughout the film that just scream of him.
My problem with the film? 2 hours in, it was a complete story- start to finish. But then it went off on another tangent, tacking on an additional 45 minutes to the movie. Yes, they were making a valid political point, but I feel like it really could've been two movies.
That said, I was never bored. Go see it, but don't order the large drink. You won't want to miss any part of this film.
Nobel Son: Movie Fail
Wtf? The plot was all over the place. It seemed like a good idea, but it was very poorly executed. And the cheesy ending actually made me groan. Just ask my friend- it woke her up after sleeping through the second half of the film. Alan Rickman, you're better than that. So are you, Groove Armada... Although you're probably just thrilled somebody asked you to be in any movie score. It's been awhile.
If you, along with the rest of middle-class America, should decide to attend a movie on a holiday because you just CAN'T take any more of your family, please be so kind as to refrain from reminding the theater employees that they are working instead of being annoyed by their loved ones at home. Trust me, we haven't forgotten... And your pity is of little comfort. Unless it comes with pie.
No joke. One customer brought in a slice of pumpkin pie for the Customer Service manager. Best. Patron. Ever.
Looooooooong list of movies:
Max Payne: Don't Encourage Them
I was sorely disappointed in this one. The preview looked excellent, portraying the film as a story of spiritual war as the righteous dead avenged themselves. Turns out they were just hallucinations and a waste of my time.
Quantum of Solace: FTW
There has been some debate among critics as to the worth of this film compared to the rest of the franchise. True, he did not utter the signature "Bond. James Bond." line at any point during the movie, but I love the direction Daniel Craig is taking this character. Watch out, Connery. It's a whole new Bond.
Role Models: Worth It
Hilarious. Even better with a crazy man sitting down the row from you laughing at inappropriate times and speaking the obvious. I want to pay that guy to follow me around and narrate my life. Anyway... I'm not a huge Sean William Scott fan, but I can never say no to Jane Lynch. If you have ever worked with disturbed children, this film is for you.
Madagascar 2: Escape to Africa- Worth It
Much better than the original. It's packed full of jokes that will fly straight over the heads of whatever children you dragged along so you wouldn't look like the loser that still loves kids' movies well into adulthood, but don't worry. Those who have seen this movie will not be judging you. Oh, but. Everyone else will.
Four Christmases: Time Killer
Did you think the previews looked funny? That's because they did. Too bad the rest of the movie wasn't. It turned into a movie about relationships... So I went to see a comedy and got duped into a drama. There is nothing I hate more than being misled by the advertisements. Prime example? The Village. That shit pissed me off. It's a good psychological movie, but they advertised it as a horror. No lies. The studio sent us fake strips of blood to put on all the doors at our theater. So naturally I hated that movie for about the first two years following its release. The same applies to you, Four Christmases. The public is shelling out a ridiculous amount of money to see your sorry film, so they should at least know what they're paying for. Thumbs down.
Australia: Worth It
I was actually shocked when I found out Baz Luhrman was doing an epic. It seemed a bit out of character for him. But honestly, if I had not been told who directed the film prior to viewing it, I would have know by the time I left. There are little quirks and oddities throughout the film that just scream of him.
My problem with the film? 2 hours in, it was a complete story- start to finish. But then it went off on another tangent, tacking on an additional 45 minutes to the movie. Yes, they were making a valid political point, but I feel like it really could've been two movies.
That said, I was never bored. Go see it, but don't order the large drink. You won't want to miss any part of this film.
Nobel Son: Movie Fail
Wtf? The plot was all over the place. It seemed like a good idea, but it was very poorly executed. And the cheesy ending actually made me groan. Just ask my friend- it woke her up after sleeping through the second half of the film. Alan Rickman, you're better than that. So are you, Groove Armada... Although you're probably just thrilled somebody asked you to be in any movie score. It's been awhile.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
This Just In: Unrealistic Skeleton Costume Scares Skank-Ass Bitches
So this Halloween, I was scheduled to work until about 1:15 am. No biggie, as I knew the party I was going to would last until at least 5 or 6. But it did mean I had to dress up. Or, at least, to avoid being categorized as the "lame" manager that doesn't know how to have any fun. I know I shouldn't care what floor staff think, but it's much easier to get things done when they don't despise you. But getting a costume? So much work. Even though I loved drama class in high school, I'm lazy. Back then, I pretty much made other people do my make-up. It turns out if you were a tomboy and you flailed your arms helplessly for long enough, straight girls would flock into the dressing room to save the day. I could pick out my own costume, but that was as far as my effort went.
My lethargy has progressed since then... So of course instead of putting together a real costume, I just picked up a skeleton hoodie from the boys' department at Wal-Mart that zipped over my face.
Eh. Good enough.
Anyway, I was leaning out the window into one theater to clean the outside of the glass well before the movie started, but two girls happened to be in there already. They saw me and started screaming, "OMIGOD WHAT IS THAT IS THAT A SKELETON OMIGOD IT'S OMIGOD WHY IS IT CLEANING JAYSUS CHRIST WHY IS THERE LIKE A SKELETON UP THERE WTFOMGIOD" etc. etc. I just looked at them, yelled "BOO!" and closed the window.
Movie time!
Flash Of Genius: Worth It
It's always hard to judge a true-story movie, because you can't really criticize events that actually happened. But this David vs. Goliath story keeps you interested, even though certain events (like the marriage trouble that is a direct result of his fight with Ford) don't feel right. I thought the portrayal of the whole thing was accurate though, and it was nice to see Greg Kinnear play something other than a douchebag.
Pride And Glory: Time Killer
*Confession: I was slightly inebriated by the end of this movie.
I love Ed Norton. I have since "Keeping the Faith." So I was pretty excited to see this, but the story took a long time to build and it wasn't really anything new. Good cops are expected to protect bad cops for the honor of the NYPD, blah blah blah. Whatever. There's better movies out right now.
High School Musical 3: Movie Fail
Surprised? I'd say go jump off a cliff, but don't worry. Natural selection will get you soon enough.
The Haunting of Molly Hartley: Don't Encourage Them
I thought it would be a movie fail, but they actually tried to bring in psychosis to explain visual and auditory hallucinations. They get some points for that. Not to worry- the ending contradicted the entire movie, which was mostly awful anyway. Wah Wah Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
Zack and Miri Make A Porno: Worth It!
The title actually varies with your location... I know in some states they're calling it "Zack and Miri Make A Movie." Anyway. This film is hilarious. I'm actually kind of surprised it wasn't rated NC-17, but I'll take it. The only reason this movie didn't get "FTW" is that it's nothing new for Seth Rogen. Kind of lame loser with loser friends fucks up, has an epiphany, wins in the end. It seems to be a winning formula for him, so I can't really blame him... Anyway. This movie is not for the faint of heart or the weak of stomach, and for the love of God don't see it with your parents. Or your priest.
My lethargy has progressed since then... So of course instead of putting together a real costume, I just picked up a skeleton hoodie from the boys' department at Wal-Mart that zipped over my face.
Eh. Good enough.
Anyway, I was leaning out the window into one theater to clean the outside of the glass well before the movie started, but two girls happened to be in there already. They saw me and started screaming, "OMIGOD WHAT IS THAT IS THAT A SKELETON OMIGOD IT'S OMIGOD WHY IS IT CLEANING JAYSUS CHRIST WHY IS THERE LIKE A SKELETON UP THERE WTFOMGIOD" etc. etc. I just looked at them, yelled "BOO!" and closed the window.
Movie time!
Flash Of Genius: Worth It
It's always hard to judge a true-story movie, because you can't really criticize events that actually happened. But this David vs. Goliath story keeps you interested, even though certain events (like the marriage trouble that is a direct result of his fight with Ford) don't feel right. I thought the portrayal of the whole thing was accurate though, and it was nice to see Greg Kinnear play something other than a douchebag.
Pride And Glory: Time Killer
*Confession: I was slightly inebriated by the end of this movie.
I love Ed Norton. I have since "Keeping the Faith." So I was pretty excited to see this, but the story took a long time to build and it wasn't really anything new. Good cops are expected to protect bad cops for the honor of the NYPD, blah blah blah. Whatever. There's better movies out right now.
High School Musical 3: Movie Fail
Surprised? I'd say go jump off a cliff, but don't worry. Natural selection will get you soon enough.
The Haunting of Molly Hartley: Don't Encourage Them
I thought it would be a movie fail, but they actually tried to bring in psychosis to explain visual and auditory hallucinations. They get some points for that. Not to worry- the ending contradicted the entire movie, which was mostly awful anyway. Wah Wah Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
Zack and Miri Make A Porno: Worth It!
The title actually varies with your location... I know in some states they're calling it "Zack and Miri Make A Movie." Anyway. This film is hilarious. I'm actually kind of surprised it wasn't rated NC-17, but I'll take it. The only reason this movie didn't get "FTW" is that it's nothing new for Seth Rogen. Kind of lame loser with loser friends fucks up, has an epiphany, wins in the end. It seems to be a winning formula for him, so I can't really blame him... Anyway. This movie is not for the faint of heart or the weak of stomach, and for the love of God don't see it with your parents. Or your priest.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Black power, muhfucka!
Things I missed about California during my year spent in the Midwestern/Southern prairie:
1.) Tofu
2.) Sunrises and sunsets over the mountains
3.) Temperatures that never drop below 29
4.) Jamba Juice
5.) Protests at the Capitol
6.) Tofu
7.) Diversity
8.) Berkeley
9.) Crazy old bag ladies
10.) California 1
11.) Smoking on the rooftop with friends
12.) Fresh produce
13.) The Indian (as in Eastern, not Native Americans) channel with the worst music videos ever at night
13.) Tofu?
Things I did NOT miss:
1.) Traffic
2.) You, Sir Ignorant Douchebag MMDCIX, who started screaming "Black Power!" and "Go Obama"and waving your fist enthusiastically in my face such that other employees called the po-po because it appeared that you were going to hit me. What did I do to solicit such a strong reaction? I asked to see your ticket after you brazenly walked by the ticket stand without even pausing when you were asked to present your ticket. How rude of me. Next time I shall remember to, as you suggested, just check the cameras to see if you bought a ticket to save your time... and waste all of mine. I'll also remember that while the thought of someone sizing you up by your race is a heinous thought to you, it is perfectly okay for you to apply the same flawed judging technique to everyone around you. Me, the white girl? I was OBVIOUSLY only asking to see your ticket because you were black. After all, you saw me let in that white guy without bothering him. Nevermind that he was an employee, that's not the point here. Of course, there's no possible way that I was part of a minority group in small-town Oklahoma and know a thing or two about discrimination. Or that I myself am planning to vote for Obama. No, no way at all. You've got it all figured out.
Onto movie reviews.
Eagle Eye: Worth It.
Steven Spielberg was involved, so that's pretty much an automatic Time Killer at least. My main problem with this movie, however, is it felt like they were trying to make Shia LaBeouf a good five to ten years older than is really believable. Adding facial hair and setting him up next to Michelle Monaghan just didn't do the trick. A valiant effort for sure, but it never feels quite right. Still a decent story.
Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist: Worth It.
Totally worth it if you're into indie music or you love Michael Cera. If not, you might just find it to be another unlikely teen romance. It should still be enjoyable though.
Appaloosa: Worth It- If you like westerns.
If you don't, stay the hell away.
Renee Zellweger is INCREDIBLY obnoxious in her roll as the pouty girl that all the men fight over, and no one has ever been as virtuous a man a Viggo Mortensen's character. Jeremy Irons puts up a hell of a performance though.
It's a good old-fashioned western. If that's your thing, go for it.
Sex Drive: Time Killer
It's pretty hilarious, but your life won't be seriously lacking anything if you miss this one. I will say- Seth Green as an Amish asshole? Genius.
Saw V: Don't Encourage Them
Okay, okay. IF you love the Saw series, go see it. And I will say that V was a vast improvement over II, III, and IV. And shit, what says Halloween better than a good horror movie? But standing alone, it's not a great movie. It was less gore and more filling in the plot that the preceding 3 were desperately lacking. You still get to see some sick things happen... just, not as many. As to whether or not you should spend your dollaz, I don't know what your cup of tea is. This one is likely to get a mixed reaction.
1.) Tofu
2.) Sunrises and sunsets over the mountains
3.) Temperatures that never drop below 29
4.) Jamba Juice
5.) Protests at the Capitol
6.) Tofu
7.) Diversity
8.) Berkeley
9.) Crazy old bag ladies
10.) California 1
11.) Smoking on the rooftop with friends
12.) Fresh produce
13.) The Indian (as in Eastern, not Native Americans) channel with the worst music videos ever at night
13.) Tofu?
Things I did NOT miss:
1.) Traffic
2.) You, Sir Ignorant Douchebag MMDCIX, who started screaming "Black Power!" and "Go Obama"and waving your fist enthusiastically in my face such that other employees called the po-po because it appeared that you were going to hit me. What did I do to solicit such a strong reaction? I asked to see your ticket after you brazenly walked by the ticket stand without even pausing when you were asked to present your ticket. How rude of me. Next time I shall remember to, as you suggested, just check the cameras to see if you bought a ticket to save your time... and waste all of mine. I'll also remember that while the thought of someone sizing you up by your race is a heinous thought to you, it is perfectly okay for you to apply the same flawed judging technique to everyone around you. Me, the white girl? I was OBVIOUSLY only asking to see your ticket because you were black. After all, you saw me let in that white guy without bothering him. Nevermind that he was an employee, that's not the point here. Of course, there's no possible way that I was part of a minority group in small-town Oklahoma and know a thing or two about discrimination. Or that I myself am planning to vote for Obama. No, no way at all. You've got it all figured out.
Onto movie reviews.
Eagle Eye: Worth It.
Steven Spielberg was involved, so that's pretty much an automatic Time Killer at least. My main problem with this movie, however, is it felt like they were trying to make Shia LaBeouf a good five to ten years older than is really believable. Adding facial hair and setting him up next to Michelle Monaghan just didn't do the trick. A valiant effort for sure, but it never feels quite right. Still a decent story.
Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist: Worth It.
Totally worth it if you're into indie music or you love Michael Cera. If not, you might just find it to be another unlikely teen romance. It should still be enjoyable though.
Appaloosa: Worth It- If you like westerns.
If you don't, stay the hell away.
Renee Zellweger is INCREDIBLY obnoxious in her roll as the pouty girl that all the men fight over, and no one has ever been as virtuous a man a Viggo Mortensen's character. Jeremy Irons puts up a hell of a performance though.
It's a good old-fashioned western. If that's your thing, go for it.
Sex Drive: Time Killer
It's pretty hilarious, but your life won't be seriously lacking anything if you miss this one. I will say- Seth Green as an Amish asshole? Genius.
Saw V: Don't Encourage Them
Okay, okay. IF you love the Saw series, go see it. And I will say that V was a vast improvement over II, III, and IV. And shit, what says Halloween better than a good horror movie? But standing alone, it's not a great movie. It was less gore and more filling in the plot that the preceding 3 were desperately lacking. You still get to see some sick things happen... just, not as many. As to whether or not you should spend your dollaz, I don't know what your cup of tea is. This one is likely to get a mixed reaction.
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