Hospitality

I was recently approached by a woman with a ragged-ass medium popcorn bag demanding a refund for her popcorn that she allegedly dropped during her movie (after our concession stand had closed). Now, our official policy is "Too damn bad, you just learned an expensive lesson: don't let your two-year-old hold the popcorn." Depending on our mood and the politeness of the customer, we may refill it... but we certainly are not obligated to do so.

Especially when said bag is sporting a fashionable footprint and grease on all sides, clearly having been dug out from the bottom of a trash can.

After some questioning, I learn that she came out to the concession stand during her movie and asked for a new popcorn, but was refused by my floor staff and told she needed to bring her half-empty bag out. But, what are the chances?! She dropped it right on a puddle of spit. First of all, it would obviously have to be your spit, and what the hell are you doing spitting on the floor inside? So she didn't want to pick it up because "that's gross." Also, she was in a hurry and didn't want to miss her movie.

I carefully explained to her our policy, and that my floor staff was correct in refusing her a new bag. I went on to say that we keep track of what we sell by the number of bags and cups we have (NEWSFLASH: a huge percentage of the general population does not understand the word "inventory"), and that issuing her a new bag would have left her register short. The woman then continued to demand a refund, but after explaining that all the money was cashed out for the day, this turned into requiring a voucher for next time.

Honey, this ain't the welfare office.

When she finally understood that I wasn't going to give her anything, she asked to speak to someone else, because "I work in customer service and this should be handled differently." Well, that's your opinion, here's my GM's card.

After speaking to my floor staff, I learned that
1. She remembered serving the bitch, and she only purchased a candy
2. She did indeed come out during the movie, and even had the same story about the spit, but claimed to have worked in a hospital so she knew about germs
3. She argued with my staff for a full ten minutes
4. After being given gloves and a box (I love that floor staff) and being told she needed to return right away with the bag in hand, she didn't show until after the movie with that bag that obviously wasn't hers
5. She claimed to have already spoken to a manager and been promised another free popcorn and free nachos

My floor staff flat-out said "No, she did not tell you that. You can go talk to her right now, she's at the front desk."

Like I said, I love that girl.

A few things to address here:
-Who doesn't know about germs?
-Customer service at a hospital? The only desk at a hospital is called "Billing," and they are definitely not concerned with customer satisfaction. Let me count the ways your are full of shit.
-Way to lie about having already spoken to me. If somehow we hadn't caught on to your scam yet, we're definitely up to speed now.


Epilogue: She never called my GM.


Movies!

Paul Blart: Mall Cop- Movie Fail
I thought even Kevin James had more self-respect than this. Don't be deceived by the ads. Yes, it is still popular; it's also just terrible. If you're that interested in the story line, wait for Seth Rogen's "Observe and Report." I can guarantee you it will be approximately one million times better.

Coraline 3D: Worth It (with a side of "Don't Ever Take a Small Child to See This")
It's creepy. It's trippy. It's an excellent movie. Your child will have nightmares.

Friday the 13th: Time-Killer
Admittedly, it was much better than any Jason movie in years. There's plenty of nudity and gore to go around, but the last 4 seconds are the least plausible thing I've ever seen. Terrible sequel, anyone?

The International: Time-Killer
I was entertained until the end, but that's about all. It was anticlimactic and there's pretty much negative resolution- meant to give it a more realistic feel, but this isn't a terribly believable story in the first place. It might have been better received a few years ago, when international banks weren't dropping like flies.

The Complex Formula

Favorite customers of 2009 to date:

An older black couple approached the customer service desk and slammed their tickets for "Notorious" on the counter with disgust. With his nose turned upward, the gentleman said, "We just have NO interest in seeing any movie with the N-word."

What did you expect? It's the story of a crack dealer-turned-rapper from Brooklyn in the 1990s.

Know what you're getting into, folks. If you're offended by liberal commentary, don't watch a Michael Moore documentary. If you're uncomfortable with weed, don't watch "Pineapple Express." If you're upset by the combination of bad hair and awful jokes, don't see anything with Rob Schneider. It's not rocket science.


Marley & Me: Time Killer
Owen Wilson and Jennifer Anniston have zero chemistry, but the story is heartwarming, etc.

Gran Torino: Worth It
Clint Eastwood is quite the ornery old (racist) bastard in this film- actually, most of the movie is him grunting in disapproval. His character definitely has a little Dirty Harry thrown in, but with a little more emotional development.

Notorious: Worth It
This film made Tupac look damn crazy, but aside from that... It did a great job of telling Biggie's story. Go see it- you might learn a thing or two.

Taken: Worth It
Liam Neeson kicks serious ass. He's like James Bond meets Batman. The story was pretty decent too... This is a solid action film.

He's Just Not That Into You: Don't Encourage Them
This movie was, in every way, written to sound the cute alarm in every straight girl's brain. Don't be fooled- after trying to make a decent point of how love DOESN'T happen for two and a half hours, almost all the characters got their implausible happy ending. Barf.
Also, Greg Behrendt. Barf.

On safe-guarding your identity and possessions

I would like to take this opportunity to advise one and all to carry their ID on their person at all times.

I am consistently astounded by the percentage of customers who, when asked to present an ID, claim to have left it in the car or at home. Now sure, some of them just aren't old enough to get into the "R" rated movie and are trying to play it cool, but at least some of these people have to be telling the truth.

In the car? Really? In a shopping center that sees at least three break-ins on any given weekend? WHY would you leave anything but trash (or something religious to deter theft*) in the car?

Also on that note, do NOT see a movie in the ghetto and leave your tricked-out Escalade with rims and a state-of-the-art stereo unattended in the parking lot for any amount of time after dark. You are asking for trouble. Don't be surprised when, upon finding all your shit stolen, you run panicking back into the theater and no one has any sympathy for you. You're wasting your time anyway- All we can do is call the police, and guess what? They won't come. They will tell you to take your happy ass downtown and fill out a report yourself. All units in your zip code are too busy chasing gas station robbers through back yards with aid from the ghetto bird (er, for those of you from the burbs, the police helicopter).

If you decide to take your chances because the ghetto theater is closer or has the showtime you want, please guard your belongings carefully. Do not set your purse down in the stall with you in the bathroom; hang it on the door. Clutch your tickets and/or 3D glasses tightly. Try to look like you are on welfare if possible. Who knows? It could just save your MP3 player.




*While crosses, crescents, and the like help, I suggest as many holy books as possible left in plain view. Preferably from different religions. Clearly anyone studying Christianity, Islam, Buddhism, and the Tao is enlightened and likely has the Supernatural on their side.


Seven Pounds: Worth It
Will Smith delivers a great performance, as usual. Bring your Kleenex.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button: FTW
I'm not exactly a Brad Pitt fan, but he actually did an excellent job here. This film walks you from the end of WWI through Hurricane Katrina, introducing you to memorable characters along the way. The cinematography was outstanding and the story was original. And unlike Australia, it doesn't feel like it's three hours long.

Doubt: Worth It
This film is all conflict, no resolution. Because of that, it leaves you uncertain of how you feel about it when it ends. It will leave you thinking it over for days, and Oscar-worthy performances by Meryl Streep and Philip Seymour Hoffman (and at least an acknowledging nod to Amy Adams) seal the deal. Don't miss this one.

My Bloody Valentine 3D: Don't Encourage Them
It was interesting to watch a regular movie in 3D, but not enough to justify sitting through this film. The story had a few holes... making it evident that its primary objective was two hours of peoples' rib cages getting hacked open or heads bashed in with a pickax in 3D. Ye of the squeamish, be warned. Surely you will vomit.