This Just In: Unrealistic Skeleton Costume Scares Skank-Ass Bitches

So this Halloween, I was scheduled to work until about 1:15 am. No biggie, as I knew the party I was going to would last until at least 5 or 6. But it did mean I had to dress up. Or, at least, to avoid being categorized as the "lame" manager that doesn't know how to have any fun. I know I shouldn't care what floor staff think, but it's much easier to get things done when they don't despise you. But getting a costume? So much work. Even though I loved drama class in high school, I'm lazy. Back then, I pretty much made other people do my make-up. It turns out if you were a tomboy and you flailed your arms helplessly for long enough, straight girls would flock into the dressing room to save the day. I could pick out my own costume, but that was as far as my effort went.

My lethargy has progressed since then... So of course instead of putting together a real costume, I just picked up a skeleton hoodie from the boys' department at Wal-Mart that zipped over my face.





Eh. Good enough.

Anyway, I was leaning out the window into one theater to clean the outside of the glass well before the movie started, but two girls happened to be in there already. They saw me and started screaming, "OMIGOD WHAT IS THAT IS THAT A SKELETON OMIGOD IT'S OMIGOD WHY IS IT CLEANING JAYSUS CHRIST WHY IS THERE LIKE A SKELETON UP THERE WTFOMGIOD" etc. etc. I just looked at them, yelled "BOO!" and closed the window.

Movie time!


Flash Of Genius: Worth It
It's always hard to judge a true-story movie, because you can't really criticize events that actually happened. But this David vs. Goliath story keeps you interested, even though certain events (like the marriage trouble that is a direct result of his fight with Ford) don't feel right. I thought the portrayal of the whole thing was accurate though, and it was nice to see Greg Kinnear play something other than a douchebag.

Pride And Glory: Time Killer
*Confession: I was slightly inebriated by the end of this movie.
I love Ed Norton. I have since "Keeping the Faith." So I was pretty excited to see this, but the story took a long time to build and it wasn't really anything new. Good cops are expected to protect bad cops for the honor of the NYPD, blah blah blah. Whatever. There's better movies out right now.

High School Musical 3: Movie Fail
Surprised? I'd say go jump off a cliff, but don't worry. Natural selection will get you soon enough.

The Haunting of Molly Hartley: Don't Encourage Them
I thought it would be a movie fail, but they actually tried to bring in psychosis to explain visual and auditory hallucinations. They get some points for that. Not to worry- the ending contradicted the entire movie, which was mostly awful anyway. Wah Wah Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

Zack and Miri Make A Porno: Worth It!
The title actually varies with your location... I know in some states they're calling it "Zack and Miri Make A Movie." Anyway. This film is hilarious. I'm actually kind of surprised it wasn't rated NC-17, but I'll take it. The only reason this movie didn't get "FTW" is that it's nothing new for Seth Rogen. Kind of lame loser with loser friends fucks up, has an epiphany, wins in the end. It seems to be a winning formula for him, so I can't really blame him... Anyway. This movie is not for the faint of heart or the weak of stomach, and for the love of God don't see it with your parents. Or your priest.

Black power, muhfucka!

Things I missed about California during my year spent in the Midwestern/Southern prairie:
1.) Tofu
2.) Sunrises and sunsets over the mountains
3.) Temperatures that never drop below 29
4.) Jamba Juice
5.) Protests at the Capitol
6.) Tofu
7.) Diversity
8.) Berkeley
9.) Crazy old bag ladies
10.) California 1
11.) Smoking on the rooftop with friends
12.) Fresh produce
13.) The Indian (as in Eastern, not Native Americans) channel with the worst music videos ever at night
13.) Tofu?

Things I did NOT miss:
1.) Traffic
2.) You, Sir Ignorant Douchebag MMDCIX, who started screaming "Black Power!" and "Go Obama"and waving your fist enthusiastically in my face such that other employees called the po-po because it appeared that you were going to hit me. What did I do to solicit such a strong reaction? I asked to see your ticket after you brazenly walked by the ticket stand without even pausing when you were asked to present your ticket. How rude of me. Next time I shall remember to, as you suggested, just check the cameras to see if you bought a ticket to save your time... and waste all of mine. I'll also remember that while the thought of someone sizing you up by your race is a heinous thought to you, it is perfectly okay for you to apply the same flawed judging technique to everyone around you. Me, the white girl? I was OBVIOUSLY only asking to see your ticket because you were black. After all, you saw me let in that white guy without bothering him. Nevermind that he was an employee, that's not the point here. Of course, there's no possible way that I was part of a minority group in small-town Oklahoma and know a thing or two about discrimination. Or that I myself am planning to vote for Obama. No, no way at all. You've got it all figured out.







Onto movie reviews.


Eagle Eye: Worth It.
Steven Spielberg was involved, so that's pretty much an automatic Time Killer at least. My main problem with this movie, however, is it felt like they were trying to make Shia LaBeouf a good five to ten years older than is really believable. Adding facial hair and setting him up next to Michelle Monaghan just didn't do the trick. A valiant effort for sure, but it never feels quite right. Still a decent story.

Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist: Worth It.
Totally worth it if you're into indie music or you love Michael Cera. If not, you might just find it to be another unlikely teen romance. It should still be enjoyable though.

Appaloosa: Worth It- If you like westerns.
If you don't, stay the hell away.
Renee Zellweger is INCREDIBLY obnoxious in her roll as the pouty girl that all the men fight over, and no one has ever been as virtuous a man a Viggo Mortensen's character. Jeremy Irons puts up a hell of a performance though.
It's a good old-fashioned western. If that's your thing, go for it.

Sex Drive: Time Killer
It's pretty hilarious, but your life won't be seriously lacking anything if you miss this one. I will say- Seth Green as an Amish asshole? Genius.

Saw V: Don't Encourage Them
Okay, okay. IF you love the Saw series, go see it. And I will say that V was a vast improvement over II, III, and IV. And shit, what says Halloween better than a good horror movie? But standing alone, it's not a great movie. It was less gore and more filling in the plot that the preceding 3 were desperately lacking. You still get to see some sick things happen... just, not as many. As to whether or not you should spend your dollaz, I don't know what your cup of tea is. This one is likely to get a mixed reaction.

Welcome to the cinema

An actual conversation with a customer at about 7:25 Friday night:

"Hey, wasn't Beverly Hills Chihuahua supposed to start at 7:15?"
"Yes... Is there a problem?"
"Well, it's not a movie. It's just all commercials. Like. For upcoming movies and stuff."
"Um... Those are previews. That's what happens before a movie. .. Always."
"So... ... ... ... ... The movie will come on?"
"... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...Yes. It's. Yes."


Ignoring the obvious issue that this man has clearly not seen a moving picture since 1942, I would like to address the more disturbing point here: The film that was so incredibly irresistible, that was finally able to light a fire under his ass to make his way to a theater, was none other than BEVERLY HILLS CHIHUAHUA.

The numbers that turned out for this movie are a dismal comment on our society.


Recent movie reviews:

Ghost Town: Worth It.
Ricky Gervais is hilariously awkward. Confession- I am afraid I will turn into his character someday.

Miracle At St. Anna: Worth It.
It was definitely a little scatterbrained. John Leguizamo was on the screen for about a minute and a half in the beginning, and his character was never referenced again- confusing in a film of no-name actors. Maybe not Spike Lee's greatest. That said, it was still a moving story. True, it's a bit long (at 2 hours and 50 minutes), but it never feels like it's dragging. Look at it this way: you'll actually get your money's worth for once.

Blindness: Time-Killer.
There was a neat concept behind this movie, but they could have done more with it. It tried to address issues such as anarchy and how people fall in and out of love when they can't see (as an old black man with an eye patch and a beautiful young Hispanic woman fall for each other), but it didn't explore these or the disease itself enough. Toward the end it really had the feeling of a story that was running too long and had been edited down to time, losing important details in the process. Gael Garcia Bernal, though a memorable prick, was not enough to save this film.

The Duchess: Worth It.
I think we've all had about enough of Keira Knightley in period films, but this film was still interesting and enjoyable. It was a refreshing dose of reality in a world where love tends to overcome all by the end of the story.

Another bandwagon to jump on

I'm finally succumbing to building pressure to start a blog. I will not commit to update in a timely manner, and you can't make me.



Here's how the ratings work:


"Movie Fail"- Not even worth the time it takes to watch it.
Examples: Dead Silence, Gigli

"Don't Encourage Them"- ...Or they'll just make more movies like this. It's as terrible as the stale-ass popcorn you paid enitrely too much for. But if your heart is set on it for whatever reason, consider waiting for the DVD. Hell, maybe even sneak past Awkward McPimples at the theater* or buy a bootleg. But for the love of God, do not pay for a ticket.
Examples: Shanghai Noon, most Nicholas Cage movies

"Time-Killer"- Possibly worth watching if you have nothing better to do, but you might want to catch the matinée. Or see it at night, but don't take anyone you're trying to impress with your sophisticated taste in movies.
Examples: Mr. and Mrs. Smith, What Happens In Vegas

"Worth It"- Actually deserving of the time and money you invest. Maybe not cinema at its finest, but you won't be sorry if you pass your Saturday evening watching this.
Examples: Borat, Disturbia, Blades of Glory

"FTW"- Oh, you're too cool to know anyone that plays WoW? It means "for the win." This movie is fucking fantastic! See this one stat- everyone will be talking about it. If they aren't, you'll seem even cooler for being part of the elite. Win-win.
Examples: 300, Capote, Little Miss Sunshine






*Just know that if you get caught, you will likely be humiliated. We in the theater business prefer to take out all our frustrations with the shitty economy, or the epic hangover we're currently suffering, or walking in on the significant other banging the cable guy, etc. on the people we kick out. Just like that cop that was a total dick to you last week when he gave you a ticket for going seven over the speed limit.

Movie hop at your own risk.